LOVE IS ETERNAL, BUT ENERGY IS FINITE

This simple idea can really make a difference when we are struggling with grief related exhaustion and overwhelm.

When someone we love is dying we expend our energy with little concern for ourselves. Even if we are unable to be physically near our dying loved-one our worried hearts can guzzle tremendous quantities of life force. For many caregivers, it doesn’t matter if we are tired or sleepless, or crawling on hands and knees---we reach deep, draw strength from the taproot of our love, and get right back to work. I’ve seen people support a dying loved-one for many years with little respite and yet somehow call out the strength to care another day. It’s a bit of a miracle.

But all that can change after our loved one dies. For a while we remain on cruise control. The momentum of our caregiving keeps us plowing forward through the weeks, like a big ocean liner after the engines are cut off. We take care of funeral arrangements, the boat slows. We deal with the estate, the boat slows. Our friends want to talk, our families need our support, the big boat slows. And then one day we look up from our many obligations and realize we are not moving anymore, and when we go to restart the engine---nothing.

Realizing the tank is empty can be disconcerting at first, especially for revved-up caregivers. We ask ourselves: “Where is all that get-up-and-go I drew upon a few months ago when dad was dying?” Or when we wake up one morning and can’t seem to get out of bed, when our legs feel like poured concrete, we are astonished.

“No one ever told me about the laziness of grief… I loathe the slightest effort”, writes C. S. Lewis. The Narnia Chronicles author, who nursed his wife Joy until her death was a man of endless energy and creativity, but grief emptied him out and shut him down. Grief can make us lethargic in activity, flat in conversation and muzzled with our families. We become a flat tire that will not be moving forward anytime soon.

Caregiving can fool us into thinking we are superheroes. In the name of selfless service and love, we underestimate and minimize the cost of daily caregiving. Then, when we collapse on the other side of the death, exhausted and struggling to meet our most basic needs, that’s when the loan comes due. Our bodies power down, and the heart begins to awaken.

During the initial months of grief, it’s likely your energies will be hampered, and your body debilitated. You will be running on a trickle of surplus power, so it’s vital that you prioritize how you use what little energy remains.

That means only engaging in activities and undertakings that nourish and replenish your inner resources. It means prioritizing self-care.

Be cautious about taking on too many projects, especially those demanding empathy and emotional expenditure. You need to go into conservation mode. Cut out anything or anybody that is not going to soothe your broken heart and pump you full of uplifting love, unquestioning understanding, abundant patience, bottomless acceptance, good food, big laughs, spirit-filled talks, green forest walks and as much unbridled playfulness as you can handle. And you need to get plenty of deep, deep restorative sleep. Shoot for these goals, even if you can’t reach them.

Today, remember to save your energy carefully and spend it wisely. For the foreseeable future, you need to be pouring in more than you pour out. Time to refill the well. Let it rain.